A Very Good Year

Winter has always been a rough season for me. I am not a ‘cold’ person. I get colds like clockwork throughout the winter months of each year, but I certainly do not enjoy them. Nor do I enjoy the icy winds, the overcast skies, the threat of rain (or worse!)….or the traditional hanging of holiday decorations. Quite the contrary - if I miss the family Christmas festivities again this year due to illness, it will be for the third year in a row. Bingo!

Luckily, I live in Houston, a city of extremes. It is either summer or winter here…very rarely do we find ourselves on the receiving end of anything in between. Lately, given as how it is almost February, summer is approaching once more. I have been taking daily walks with a friend, and I can almost feel the Vitamin D soaking through my pores, straight into my veins and down to my core. With every sunbeam life seems brighter.

Thank god. Because I was the cocky one who was jumping about on December 31, 2007, proclaiming that I was just sure that 2008 was ‘my year’. 2008 was going to be a good year, I told anyone who would listen. 2008 was the charm. Not three, not ten, not thirty, but thirty-seven years old was the lucky number for me.

So far, I have to say that my projections might have been just a shade optimistic.

Not to say that 2008 has been a bad year so far – I actually think that we outgrow the usefulness of words like ‘bad’ and ‘good’ right around the second grade. Rather, let’s just say that I was expecting 2008 to be a, well, less challenging year than it is showing itself to be. Even good challenges are still challenges. Even good stress is still stress. And I have had stress of every shape and size and color - in spades - since January 1, 2008.

Which is why I was so surprised today to find myself gazing at my own reflection in the mirror, noticing the delicate tiny furrows around my eyes, the pursed lips, the glow of exhaustion, and thinking, ‘For the first time in my life, I think I might actually look beautiful.’ I caught myself admiring my high cheekbones, strong brown eyes, flecks of grey in and amongst the many-hued strands of gold and red and brown around my temples….and I said to myself, ‘I have never seen you look more beautiful than you do right now.’

For those who know me well, they know that this kind of self-dialogue is not an everyday occurrence. Over the years, as I have recovered from my eating disorder, I have allowed myself to become as conditioned as the next woman to believe that I am not beautiful until somebody else says I am. I have trained myself to wait hopefully, longingly, obediently, for those words, like a dog at dinnertime hungering for that day’s portioned treat.

Until now. Maybe 2008 is my year after all. What is it about watching myself hold my head high in uncertain times, march forward through murky fear, persevere when the big questions hang like storm clouds above my head, that opens my eyes to a me – a beautiful me – I have never seen before? Where have I been all my life? Why now, why after all this time….

Why ask why. I am learning to say ‘thank you’ instead. ‘Thank you’ to all those who have carried the torch for me until this day, who bore the burden and joy of reminding me of my beauty when I needed to know and couldn’t see it for myself. ‘Thank you’ to those who have endured the pain of feeling so un-beautiful right before my eyes, until I could own my own pain as well and begin to heal. ‘Thank you’ to myself, for having the courage to believe that I could one day feel differently about myself – to see a different girl in the mirror, a beautiful girl.

Today, take a new look in an old mirror. Challenge yourself to really SEE yourself with your own eyes. Undress your beauty down to its elements – your strength, your courage, your perseverance, your intelligence, your power, your compassion, your hope. Peer up and out from deep within, starting with your spirit up into your heart, through your mind and out of your body. Gaze with genuine amazement and admiration upon your own reflection, keeping before you the awareness of all that you have come through, endured, and overcome, and all that you still long for, dream of and believe in.

What 2008 has taught me so far is that we are never more beautiful than when we are under the gun, stepping up to the plate, performing minor (and major) miracles on our own behalf, working patiently, tirelessly and faithfully to save, replenish and restore our own life.

You are beautiful. I am beautiful. We are beautiful. And on that note, I have to say – it is looking good that 2008 is going to be our year after all – a very good year!

Warmly and with HOPE,

 Shannon

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P.S. Be sure to SIGN the ‘I Have A Dream of a World FREE from Eating Disorders’ petition to DEMAND mental health parity for eating disorders treatment!